Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Relationships Make Me Cringe

I've often wondered what goes into people being alone. Is it something you really like or want? Or is it an excuse? So many people say ”I just don't have time.” Or ”I need to be happy with me first.” I agree the latter is a very valid point but, since when have so many people been so unhappy with themselves? Every single person me included has said that at one time or another.
I could go all day and list my excuses. I have a million of them to be honest. But, I know that in the end when I lay my head down at night I'm lonely. However that doesn't make me want to jump into a relationship. At this point, yep here is another excuse that I will spew forth I have been single so long I don't know what I want anymore.
Excuses and jokes aside I'm alone because I choose to be. I'm scared. It is a paralyzing fear actually. I don't want to have trust broken or be hurt again. Not getting into particulars of past relationships because that's how I am I can sum them up with one word.. Bad. Not a one of them was good. Good times yes but good for me as a person.. not a chance.
Does this lead to a lonely existence? Sure of course it does. By nine o'clock when my kids are in bed my conversations come to a close. I end up staring at the ceiling or watching TV.

 I keep telling myself that maybe one day I will find someone. That's a big maybe but at least that leaves some room for hope. With hope there is a future.
I'm not afraid of being alone right now. I do see others who are afraid and it makes me sad for them. Jumping from one relationship to the next isn't healthy. You, I would think, should treat a failed relationship as a learning experience. No the answer isn't as simple as I learned they were a jerk. Maybe they were but was there something about you that you could have or should have changed?
I've said before I live with regrets. The relationship department is no different. I've done some dumb things I shouldn't have. Also said a lot of mean things that I've immediately wanted to take back. Sometimes "trying" wasn't in my vocabulary nor was compromise. The one thing that I can say though is that I DO NOT regret the relationships that I had not working. I was not happy in the most literal sense of the word with anyone to this point.
So, I guess I'll never know the reason why so many people choose to be alone. I do know my reason and even though I'm ready to move on and let go I haven't found someone worthy of the lunge. 

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