Wednesday, October 26, 2016

This Ain't Love or Other Drugs


                      For the majority of my life I've been dealing with depression on some level. It's been this ever evolving roadmap that if I were being completely honest with not only myself but the bevvy of medical professionals that seemed to DEEM it necessary to label me with some sort of diagnosis that never quite stuck. Medicate me with pills that never really did anything but make me feel worse. About five or six years ago I made the decision to stop taking medication altogether after it was made clear that nothing helped. Being made a shell of myself wasn't something that I liked or needed. I didn't want it. 

                       Of course that also left me with the anxiety. Something that is so hard for someone who doesn't suffer from it to understand. It's hard for them to understand that there are times when I feel as though I'm being caged like some kind of animal. I can't breathe and god it's an awful feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself down and other times there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to sit back and let it happen because trying and failing to stop my anxiety attack is even worse than dealing with the anxiety alone.

                        I remember being a teenager and having a breakdown. Crying, screaming and just all in all breaking everything. It was shortly after my uncles died and to be honest I don't remember much about that time except for the turmoil. It was bad-- dark and honestly I really am not proud of the things that I did and the way that I handled myself through a lot of it. The two of them died nine hours apart in unrelated incidents. It threw our family into an uproar and while we were doing our best to cope and hold it together some failed miserably. Things were said and done that people maybe regretted and OTHERS maybe not. For the most part I have forgiven that part of life but, WHAT I will never understand is how someone can say such nasty things to a child. (because at the time that's what I was

                       Life was never something that had been EASY for me. Don't get me wrong-- I've never been one that thinks that I've had it worse than anyone else. (because I haven't and I'm well aware of that) There are people who haven't been able to cope with the things that they've gone through HOWEVER, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't come out bruised, broken and a little damaged on the other side. 

                       Losing my grandma-- (both of them) was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. After my uncles which was the first taste of death that I had. BUT-- to say that it was the worst would be a lie. I was close to both of my grandmothers. Unbelievably close to one and seeing her fade away was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. 

                       Another thing that makes life difficult is my inability to talk to people. (it's a defense mechanism more than anything) Although the truth is that I've always been a private person. I don't like talking about myself or opening up. Nothing that could in any way make me appear weak. It's just something that I've always had a hard time with. I hide behind a lot of things-- walls, humor and sarcasm. I've gotten good and getting people to think I'm one person when really I'm someone else. 

                        I think that when I REALLY started to question things about myself-- my sexuality was the big one I realized that each time I slowly started to become more and more comfortable with myself things started to actually go downhill. WHY? Simple because the more comfortable I was the more the realization hit me-- acceptance wasn't something that was going to be there from my family. (they would never understand how I could NOT want a relationship) OR how a relationship to me is something that's not physical in nature. 

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Coming Out... Coming Clean

I’ve spent the better part of the last fifteen years of my life trying to figure out how to label me. It’s not something I take lightly. I’ve shied away from it for a long time, too afraid of putting myself into a box in some sort of category. Especially when I was never certain that I could adequately describe what I felt. (Feeling a lot of nothing makes labels hard to come by) Not to mention the fear of ‘what are they going to say or do?’ Sometimes it’s not as easy as people think to just tell your loved ones that 'normalcy’ or what they consider it isn’t your normal. 

For the first almost 13 years I threw around everything. But, nothing felt right. Nothing was exactly the way it should be. The things that should sit the right way and make you feel whole, warm, fuzzy and accepted just weren’t there. (I dealt with feeling very empty and lonely. On some levels I still do)

It wasn’t until the last two years I really realized that while yes I can appreciate the appeal of another person. (Believe me I look at a few people and know what other people find attractive about them) however, that’s where it ends. My interest in most lies in the 'wow I bet they’re interesting to talk too’ or something like that. Feelings for me rarely extend beyond that. There are those rare occasions when I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my depression and I think 'man it would be great to have someone to cuddle with right about now’ but, on a normal day even that seems like too much for me. 

Coming to terms with this has caused me pain and I’ve hurt a few people along the way but in the end I think that I did what was best for me. To this day I still have a hard time talking to my family about everything. Truthfully I don’t really do it because I’d rather not deal with the fallout from it all. A part of me still has a hard time coming out and saying “Hey I’m ace and that’s just the way it is.” There’s this fear of rejection, misunderstanding and judging that I don’t know that I can deal with after such a long and difficult personal trip. (Truthfully this is such a deep seated fear it’s hard to explain)

Politics-- Like a Moth to a Flame

Politics make my skin crawl. Yet there is something about it that draws me in like a moth to a flame. I've never quite been able to explain this phenomenon and to be honest probably never will. 

It's not that I avoid the issues. I form opinions, educate myself and can speak rather fluently on quite a few topics of the mood strikes. HOWEVER, it's rare the mood strikes these days. 

We've got presidential candidates that make our entire political and legal system a joke. I've never seen debates turn into schoolyard bully showdowns the way they have over the past few months. (It's sad and terribly unnerving to watch) I'm expecting to wake up and find out this was like the world's longest April Fool's joke or something close to that. 

Now, before I get into anything I need to make something very clear... My support does NOT lie with either of these candidates. If anything their campaigns have done nothing but prove how inept both of them would be. 

A President is someone we should be able to count on. They should be able to say the correct thing when a global tragedy happens. Mr. Trump you have proven on more than one occasion your mouth opens and what comes out is mostly cringe worthy. Ms. Clinton you have proven that when you speak the words that come out of your mouth are questionable at best. (Both horrible qualities for someone speaking for a nation)

Neither candidate is trustworthy and I'm sorry but, I remember voting for Barack and maybe I didn't agree with all of his politics but, I did think that he at least was looking out for us as a people. (Many may disagree with that but walking away from Bush he was a breath of fresh air)

I hear the usual debates come up. Some things never change. Abortion, the economy, jobs-- all issues. Touchy issues that I wonder why they're truly big ticket issues. 

Abortion-- everyone has an opinion that they feel is right. For them that opinion is right BUT just because you would never or have never had an abortion or been in a situation where you had to choose DOES NOT mean that you should take that right away from someone else. 

Let's not get into the whole who's going to speak for the baby, when is a zygote a baby debate because it's going to go around in circles forever and never end. 

What I'm saying is that a woman shouldn't lose that right to make a choice. (Is it a choice I would make? Probably not so please don't get self righteous on me) I'm simply saying that while I see both sides of said debate the answer seems pretty simple. 

1. We the people have freedom of choice. 
2. There's a separation of church and state so what the bible says (if that's your thing) should not be relevant to making laws. 

The economy-- is always going to be an issue as long as jobs are an issue. If people don't work they don't spend money. Sure there are schemes to boost the economy but the best boost would be to stop sending jobs out of the country. (Easier said than done) 

I'm not an economist or anything like that. But, I know that the debt the country and its people are in is terrifying. There needs to be a real plan. Not just cut spending but cut salaries. Cut everything because let's be honest the government spends way too much. 

So, while I may singe my wings on the political flames while staring at the TV disgruntled I'm just as lost and disenchanted as most people when it comes to this election. Make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here... Or a Canadian goose so I can just move legally for a few years.