Monday, June 18, 2012

In My Head It All Made Sense At One Point.

     The things that run through my head sometimes amaze me. Laying in bed worrying about things I have no control over. Fretting over mistakes I have made years ago. Stuff that I truly believe most people would just get over and not think about. Not me, it creeps into my mind like a cat creeps on a mouse. Then it is stuck there for me to think about for days on end. Not really days but, longer than it should be there. Then there are times when I'm thinking about things that happened and I almost wish I had the ability to go back in time because at this very moment I have a much more witty response than I did at that particular time. I chuckle to myself and think damn I can be funny sometimes. The mistakes bother me the most. I always tend to feel like if I'm nice enough now maybe it will change this or that. It never does. As a matter of fact once the feeling of a good deed passes I'm left feeling that empty what the hell did I do feeling all over again. It's a circle that just goes and goes. Over and over... 
     I think when I was younger and I wrote poetry it actually helped me let go of somethings. These days however with life, and work I barely have time to sleep let alone sit at a table with tea and write poetry. I was never a coffee drinker and tea just works for me. Besides I have always found that when you seem most content it is the hardest time to write poetry. I've got to be in some sort of emotional turmoil in order to write something that isn't complete rubbish. Even then it's a 50/50 chance that once I go back to read it I'll hate it.
     What I think bothers other people in my life more than me is that I am very non confrontational. I will avoid people just so I don't have to worry about the chance of an argument. I have been in stores and literally dove behind things just to avoid being seen by someone I know. I think it may be more of an anti social thing. Don't get me wrong, I like people and being around them. On my terms though. If I don't want to be seen I will avoid you at all costs. If someone knocks on my door and I'm not expecting someone I don't answer. I have no desire to have unannounced visitors stop in because they ”were in the neighborhood”. I find it rather rude and intruding. However, if I want to talk to you I will. I'll call, text or visit anyone as long as it is okay with me and whomever. I'm not a drop on by I have an open door policy person. I'm never out and decide to pop in.
     I am also very private. I let people know what I want them to know. There is not a single person on the planet that knows everything about me. For two reasons, one I'm not all that likeable and two, I don't like that vulnerable feeling at all. I would much rather keep everyone at a distance. It's funny because I think about the people in my life and I can list everything they don't know. Maybe that's more sad than funny but, my reasons are clear and concise. If no one is that close to you then they can't hurt you. A hang up though it may be it tends to keep me safe. Yes it may do an awful lot of harm also but I just don't see that. Even as I type this out being as honest as I am I'm only letting so much out. Enough to get an idea but not enough to have a real clue.
     And these are things that run through my head when I'm laying in bed and trying to sleep. It's no wonder I have insomnia.

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