When Nice Doesn't Cut It

I've tried... Tried to sit back, hope for the best. Be nice and keep my mouth shut  (that's what I've always done after all) but I've found that it's simply not going to work. Being the bigger person no longer means turning the other cheek. I remember a time when you went out of your way not to offend people, not to make others uncomfortable or say something that could hurt their feelings but that time passed. Keeping the peace has passed. It died on November 9th. I woke up that morning and realized that holding my tongue, keeping the peace and being 'nice' wasn't going to cut it anymore. 

Instead I needed to point out the fact that:

1. I have an opinion
2. It matters
3. Yes, I'm a woman but, I'm educated and I'm not less than the white male population
4. My voice is the only one that is going to stick up for my children, for me and in some cases other people.
5. I'm not going to be afraid anymore to be me. Even if now, it's one of the most terrifying times in this country.

Now where do I begin?

I say nice died on November 9th but, the reality is it was a slower death than that. My son (who has Asperger’s) woke up that morning asking about the election results. He's 14 years old, old enough to pay attention, old enough to understand the gravity the title of President holds. I told him who won and while it was with a heavy heart I didn't let him know that. These things I've always believed are opinions that you should not force on your children. I don't want my kids growing up with the same opinions as me. I want them to think for themselves not spew forth my opinions just because that's what they grew up hearing. He was upset. Very upset and at the time I tried to remain optimistic. 'Checks and Balances' I distinctly remember explaining in detail. (He hasn't had government class yet) I thought or hoped rather that this would ease his mind. For a couple days, it did.

Then Friday rolled around. He was home from school and we went to lunch. While at lunch (a friend of mine and Trump supporter was there) during this outing, my son looked at me and said "Mom I just don't understand how come people would vote for a man that makes fun of people like me." And I didn't have an answer because that was only one thing on a laundry list of items that made me question how people could vote for a man like that. Of course, at the time I wanted to cry because when your child hurts you hurt and damn it him gathering that HURT like hell. But, I didn't I just said 'Me neither buddy me neither.'

Later that night (and the exact conversation I was not present for) he brought up the same question to his grandparents. One of the responses he got was "Well you don't know what the context was" Obviously, that upset him tremendously. When we talked about it I was pissed, no furious. His own grandparents saying that to him... Because as I explained to them. ‘Think about it... Someone mocking your grandson. Do you really give a shit what the context is? I certainly hope not. They're mocking him for something he cannot help. I'd be fucking furious.' It takes a small human being to mock a person with disabilities. It takes an even smaller person to tell ME a mother of someone with disabilities that I don't understand the context that said mocking was done in because there is NO CONTEXT in which mocking is ever okay.

MOCKING is BULLYING and I HAVE A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY.

That is... It's a despicable human being and the fact that these seemingly small indiscretions have been looked over time and time again is a crime. Each person that excuses this behavior is just as guilty as if you've committed these acts yourself. 'One of the greatest crimes is inaction' Yet YOU VOTED FOR HIM. Like Donald Trump is some answer that we don't even have the question to.

In the less than month since he's been elected people (and by people, I mean minorities) have been attacked in his name time and time again. I don't care if people use the 'oh I was drunk' excuse the fact remains you felt that somewhere deep down and that makes you an asshole. That makes you just as bad as the terrorists that you supposedly hate. BUT-- there is one difference you're doing it because you supposedly love this country? Yeah if you did you would be working to better it not tear it down at the seams.

This country is more divided now than it was three weeks ago.

We have a vice president elect calling for democracy in Cuba yet he walks out on actors exercising their right to free speech, wants to take away a woman's right to choose and actual democracy doesn't mean a whole hell of a lot to him. Sadly, he considers being spoken to with respect bullying. (buddy look in the mirror and then talk to me about bullies) When you STOP trying to tell me what I can do with MY BODY then we can talk about bullies. Until then I have no place for you. (and for the record my birth control runs out in a couple of days which means that I should be starting my period in a week and then I start the cycle all over again. of course, you'd probably rather I not have access to the birth control that I use to control the hyperplasia that I suffer from without it therefore ending up with endometrial cancer. I'm just a woman after all what's it matter to you?) AND can I NOT even begin to discuss the fact that your stance on working mothers is a damn joke. Especially when there's so many lovely WHITE MEN like the two of you (yourself and your lovely boss) that don't take care of their business. You're a whole different breed that needs to be sent to the middle ages because you don't know your head from a hole in the ground. I feel sorry for your wife and family. I feel bad for anyone that shares your twisted ideals.

The president elect would rather try to strip a flag burner of their citizenship and put a cross burner in their cabinet. Put a woman who has NEVER dealt with the public-school system a day in her life in charge of education and a white supremacist... (why is that even allowed in the same thought as president elect?) Nominating (if that's what you want to call it) a man that made millions from the collapse of this economy to head the treasury department. The exact type of people you promised to protect the citizens from-- WALLSTREET TYPES (Of course he's a blatant liar and has been for years. Yet people were naive enough to vote for him)

Should I begin to discuss his disrespect for veterans and blatant disregard for their future by even considering Sarah 'Bridge to Nowhere' Palin to head up the VA? It's disgraceful. However, every step he's made has been a disgrace not to mention about twenty steps backwards from where we are now.

He's got women working for him that are as good at double talk as he is. Which is no small feat but eventually it'll bite you in the ass. They're giving interviews and speaking on his behalf and pointing out the fact that interviews don't have to be under oath. RIGHT-- and yet you should probably be honest with the American people. You know since we're the people that he's swearing to PROTECT and this is the man that's going to be representing us to other nations. Think about that long and hard for a minute... Did you cringe? I know I did.

Then there's healthcare. Donald has been talking about getting rid of what we have now. Look- there are changes that need to be made yes, I agree. Getting rid of this healthcare system completely? No that's not the answer. That's the worst thing that could happen for this country. (coming from a healthcare worker) We need this system. We need this system to be more affordable BUT it's only been two years. These things don't happen overnight.

Trust me-- our hospital affiliation changed 5 years ago, and we still get the 'be patient' speech and that's just a group of hospitals NOT a nation of people. (before this we were the ONLY industrialized nation without a form of socialized medicine. Just some food for thought)

To the people that voted for this man... Do you look back at Hitler and think 'Wow he was a standup guy?' Do you feel good about the fact that there are groups of people that are no longer safe where just 45 days ago... Hell 30 days ago, they were? Does it make you sleep better at night to know that when your kids are 4 years older this place is going to be worse off? (remember your kids will pick your nursing home) Because even if you don't already see it... It's there. The writing, the fact that this country back peddled about 30 years it's all writing on a wall in giant graffiti. Spelled out in bright letters...

And then--- 

Don't anyone tell me I'm a bad parent because my kids care about politics when they're not the ones going to school saying things like 'I just don't think gay people should get married' or 'I don't want a baby killer as president' Hate to burst all your bubbles BUT-- THAT wasn't my kid. My kid (my 12-year-old daughter) was the one that said 'Really how does someone else's marriage effect you?' Because TRUTH it doesn't and you're bringing your god somewhere it doesn't belong again.

As for the baby killer comments, it's like I've always ALWAYS explained to my children. 'Abortion is an ugly topic with even uglier opinions. People talk about god and this and that. If that's your reason for not getting one. Fanfriggintastic BUT that's NOT a reason to make them illegal. Abortion may not be something you would choose or want your child to choose but, that never gives you the right to take that choice away from someone else. At the end of the day what someone else does has zero effect on you.'

I'm not a god-fearing person. I don't believe that church, god or religion have any place in Washington D.C. I honestly feel that the separation of church and state should be exactly that-- a separation. Clear, concise and distinct.

However, if there is a hell there's a special place... Warm for people like Donald Trump and Mike Pence. Demoralizing, Misogynistic, Xenophobic, piece of trash that they both are.

When all of this comes crashing down on you. When you wake up from the cloud of smoke that you're living in remember this time. Remember we had the chance to do something besides let a fascist take over this country. 

YET PEOPLE STILL VOTED FOR HIM.

It was bigger than not liking Hillary. Not wanting to listen to her speak... (Which may be one of the absolute worst excuses I've ever heard for not voting for her) Because of that you've given a liar, narcissist and someone with the most conflict of interest I've EVER seen the highest office of power in this country. That's rich or a special kind of stupid that I cannot even begin to fathom.

Humanity-- That is the Question.

There are times in my life when I question humanity. I wonder how people-- people I've known for years (at least I thought I've known for years) can have such drastically different beliefs than me. (of course I get it people don't always think and believe the same things) But, for the most part I always figured that I surrounded myself with people that thought somewhat the same things as me. Of course variety is the salt of life but, hypocrisy is NOT. When you don't worry about something because it doesn't have a direct impact on you there's a problem. One day it may have an impact on someone you know, someone you care about and when that day comes-- you're going to want someone in your corner. In the past week people that I have known for years have come to be the people that I've lost so much for. Respect, friendship-- How in the matter of a few words can my opinion of them be altered completely? How is it that I can lose respect for the people that raised me so quickly?

I get it. I do. People's opinions are different and they always will be. That's the beauty of living here, we are allowed to have these opinions, thoughts and feelings. But, when your thoughts or feelings degrade, segregate or repress another group of people can you not see the problem with this? How can you not see the dangers and fine lines we are starting to walk yet again? 

The writing's on the wall and that writing is terrifying. The discontent and hate that's being bred reminds me of the fear and loathing that happened when AIDS first was diagnosed. (not to the same degree) However, people being chased from grocery stores all because of who they love and who THEY ARE, letters being left for kids telling them to go back to where they came from because of the color of their skin and little girls afraid to wear a hijab because of what may happen. These are all things that SHOULD never happen here in America. Really it should NEVER happen period but, in a country that preaches equality it should be one of the things that NEVER happens. Yet it does, with increasing frequency lately. 

I'm not pointing fingers necessarily. I'm not going to say this is one person's fault because it's not. (although to lie and say that they have not perpetuated this would be a disservice) This is the culmination of many things. Closed minded individuals who chose not to educate themselves or instead live by the bible which is fine you do that but, there's this thing called separation of church and state. To me this seems fairly clear-- the church doesn't get involved in laws and the state doesn't get involved in church. Now I know what you're going to say-- the church believes in preservation of life, it believes that marriage is between a man and a woman. Abortion is not performed by the church which means it does not directly affect the church and at the same time even if same sex marriage is legal there is no law stating a church has to perform it. Keeping the laws out of the church. (you want to remain a tax exempt entity yet want your hands all over how the country is run) Doesn't seem like it's fair to have it both ways does it?

Back to my point, why if it doesn't directly affect you does it matter so much? What gives you the right to take someone else's rights away? To force your thoughts on another person/group of people? What makes you better? Entitled? 

It's just some food for thought before you start talking in front of your kids and they start regurgitating your words. Just because someone supports the right to choose doesn't make them a 'baby killer' and quite frankly I find that offensive. There's no one that can ever convince me that while abortion may not be something I choose or would want my daughter to choose that I have the right to take that choice away from someone else. No thousand year old book by an unknown author, law maker sitting in an office in Washington DC, no one will convince me otherwise. Just like those same people will never convince me that they can pick who has a right to love who and how they choose to express it. If they want to get married let them. How does it actually impact you? Really in the grand scheme of things when you wake up in the morning does it have an impact on your day to day life? I highly highly doubt it. Kids... Your kids are spewing your hate and it's sad. I remember hoping when I was younger this world would be a lot more tolerant when I was an adult and all I've found is that it's simply not. Of course there are some people... A lot that are but, then there are those that are not. That are just as hateful as they were when I was growing up. When my childhood consisted of hating the fact that Ryan White's family had to live in fear because their poor son was dying and it wasn't his fault. Now, I am an adult and I have to hate the fact that people are back to hiding who they love, not celebrating their religion, worrying about their right to choose. 

If anything November 8th simply proved that. It proved that this country is so many steps behind where it should be. I'm sad. Sad for us as a people more than anything. Mostly though I'm sad for teenagers. The 14-17 year olds that weren't old enough to vote that were counting on us not to let them down. The ones that hoped, maybe even prayed that we'd keep moving in the right direction because we didn't. We didn't and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that while you're waiting for your chance... Your chance to be heard you have to tolerate whatever happens. If the last week and a half is any indicator it's going to be rough but hang in there. You're not alone. 

If you're suffering or scared because of all of this... You're not alone. There are people who know America was great before. Just hang in there. Educate yourselves, hold onto your beliefs and find your people because this too shall pass. 

One day-- one day we'll make a difference. If my daughter, my son and me are any indicator things will be different one day. 

We've Been Trump(ed)

_{While I’d like to say that I’ve lived long enough to know that 4 years as President isn’t long enough to make a huge difference I know otherwise. (checks and balances only go so far) I know that there are enough people backing this man who has proven time and time again that he is nothing but a bully. (and that’s me being nice)} 

_{What I do know is this-- and believe me it’s hard to see it now because we are all standing on the brink of something. The unknown-- it’s scary but, hold on to your beliefs. DO NOT become the bully, hate spewing, loathsome creature that this man that a bunch of country bumpkin, elitist, supremacist people elected because in getting angry (which you do have every right to be. we all do) but, acting on it-- in becoming a bully you’re stooping to his level and that feels good at the time but, we are better than that. In the end you’ll regret it.} 

_{We will get through this. As a country-- as human beings. Hopefully with some humanity in tact. (I have to hold onto that belief because if I don’t then what’s the point really?) I’ve digressed though. We will get through this. Probably with some scratches, maybe a few scars but, as a nation and people we’re better than this--- Better than him. (I’ve never filed bankruptcy he’s filed for it four times so there I’m a couple legs up)} 

_{Yeah things are going to get hairy and to all you teenagers that are worried about your futures. Members of the LBGTQ community that are fearful remember you have a community. People to turn too. When I was growing up all that was brand new (the community was just starting to come together) and hell I just finally told my family this year that I haven’t been in a relationship in over ten years because I am asexual.} 

_{African Americans (blacks if that’s what you want to be referred to as), Muslims and Latino/a(s) there are lots of us that have your back. Of course there are some that don’t and I’m sorry I apologize for those individuals because it gives those of us who do care and really do want better for each and every person here a bad name.}

_{There was a time when part of being a President meant you had to have a certain capacity for diplomacy. Something that has clearly gone right out the window. Do I think that we had a better choice in the this election? Let’s just say that there was probably a lesser of two evils. This was the first time that I can say that and REALLY mean it.}  . 

_{So, today while we are all picking ourselves back up, dusting off from this bad dream that really isn’t a dream try and remember-- you aren’t alone. There are people who care, people who will always care. Not everyone is a loathsome creature like that and if you don’t live in America please---}

_{Don’t look at this and think-- look at those assholes because there are some of us that feel pretty trapped. (that’s why the Canadian immigration website crashed last night)}

This Ain't Love or Other Drugs

                    



                      For the majority of my life I've been dealing with depression on some level. It's been this ever evolving roadmap that if I were being completely honest with not only myself but the bevvy of medical professionals that seemed to DEEM it necessary to label me with some sort of diagnosis that never quite stuck. Medicate me with pills that never really did anything but make me feel worse. About five or six years ago I made the decision to stop taking medication altogether after it was made clear that nothing helped. Being made a shell of myself wasn't something that I liked or needed. I didn't want it. 

                       Of course that also left me with the anxiety. Something that is so hard for someone who doesn't suffer from it to understand. It's hard for them to understand that there are times when I feel as though I'm being caged like some kind of animal. I can't breathe and god it's an awful feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself down and other times there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to sit back and let it happen because trying and failing to stop my anxiety attack is even worse than dealing with the anxiety alone.

                        I remember being a teenager and having a breakdown. Crying, screaming and just all in all breaking everything. It was shortly after my uncles died and to be honest I don't remember much about that time except for the turmoil. It was bad-- dark and honestly I really am not proud of the things that I did and the way that I handled myself through a lot of it. The two of them died nine hours apart in unrelated incidents. It threw our family into an uproar and while we were doing our best to cope and hold it together some failed miserably. Things were said and done that people maybe regretted and OTHERS maybe not. For the most part I have forgiven that part of life but, WHAT I will never understand is how someone can say such nasty things to a child. (because at the time that's what I was) 

                       Life was never something that had been EASY for me. Don't get me wrong-- I've never been one that thinks that I've had it worse than anyone else. (because I haven't and I'm well aware of that) There are people who haven't been able to cope with the things that they've gone through HOWEVER, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't come out bruised, broken and a little damaged on the other side. 

                       Losing my grandma-- (both of them) was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. After my uncles which was the first taste of death that I had. BUT-- to say that it was the worst would be a lie. I was close to both of my grandmothers. Unbelievably close to one and seeing her fade away was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. 

                       Another thing that makes life difficult is my inability to talk to people. (it's a defense mechanism more than anything) Although the truth is that I've always been a private person. I don't like talking about myself or opening up. Nothing that could in any way make me appear weak. It's just something that I've always had a hard time with. I hide behind a lot of things-- walls, humor and sarcasm. I've gotten good and getting people to think I'm one person when really I'm someone else. 

                        I think that when I REALLY started to question things about myself-- my sexuality was the big one I realized that each time I slowly started to become more and more comfortable with myself things started to actually go downhill. WHY? Simple because the more comfortable I was the more the realization hit me-- acceptance wasn't something that was going to be there from my family. (they would never understand how I could NOT want a relationship) OR how a relationship to me is something that's not physical in nature. 

Coming Out... Coming Clean

_{I’ve spent the better part of the last fifteen years of my life trying to figure out how to label me. It’s not something I take lightly. I’ve shied away from it for a long time, too afraid of putting myself into a box in some sort of category. Especially when I was never certain that I could adequately describe what I felt. (Feeling a lot of nothing makes labels hard to come by) Not to mention the fear of ‘what are they going to say or do?’ Sometimes it’s not as easy as people think to just tell your loved ones that 'normalcy’ or what they consider it isn’t your normal.} 

_{For the first almost 13 years I threw around everything. But, nothing felt right. Nothing was exactly the way it should be. The things that should sit the right way and make you feel whole, warm, fuzzy and accepted just weren’t there. (I dealt with feeling very empty and lonely. On some levels I still do)}

_{It wasn’t until the last two years I really realized that while yes I can appreciate the appeal of another person. (Believe me I look at a few people and know what other people find attractive about them) however, that’s where it ends. My interest in most lies in the 'wow I bet they’re interesting to talk too’ or something like that. Feelings for me rarely extend beyond that. There are those rare occasions when I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my depression and I think 'man it would be great to have someone to cuddle with right about now’ but, on a normal day even that seems like too much for me.} 

_{Coming to terms with this has caused me pain and I’ve hurt a few people along the way but in the end I think that I did what was best for me. To this day I still have a hard time talking to my family about everything. Truthfully I don’t really do it because I’d rather not deal with the fallout from it all. A part of me still has a hard time coming out and saying “Hey I’m ace and that’s just the way it is.” There’s this fear of rejection, misunderstanding and judging that I don’t know that I can deal with after such a long and difficult personal trip. (Truthfully this is such a deep seated fear it’s hard to explain)}

Politics-- Like a Moth to a Flame

Politics make my skin crawl. Yet there is something about it that draws me in like a moth to a flame. I've never quite been able to explain this phenomenon and to be honest probably never will. 

It's not that I avoid the issues. I form opinions, educate myself and can speak rather fluently on quite a few topics of the mood strikes. HOWEVER, it's rare the mood strikes these days. 

We've got presidential candidates that make our entire political and legal system a joke. I've never seen debates turn into schoolyard bully showdowns the way they have over the past few months. (It's sad and terribly unnerving to watch) I'm expecting to wake up and find out this was like the world's longest April Fool's joke or something close to that. 

Now, before I get into anything I need to make something very clear... My support does NOT lie with either of these candidates. If anything their campaigns have done nothing but prove how inept both of them would be. 

A President is someone we should be able to count on. They should be able to say the correct thing when a global tragedy happens. Mr. Trump you have proven on more than one occasion your mouth opens and what comes out is mostly cringe worthy. Ms. Clinton you have proven that when you speak the words that come out of your mouth are questionable at best. (Both horrible qualities for someone speaking for a nation)

Neither candidate is trustworthy and I'm sorry but, I remember voting for Barack and maybe I didn't agree with all of his politics but, I did think that he at least was looking out for us as a people. (Many may disagree with that but walking away from Bush he was a breath of fresh air)

I hear the usual debates come up. Some things never change. Abortion, the economy, jobs-- all issues. Touchy issues that I wonder why they're truly big ticket issues. 

Abortion-- everyone has an opinion that they feel is right. For them that opinion is right BUT just because you would never or have never had an abortion or been in a situation where you had to choose DOES NOT mean that you should take that right away from someone else. 

Let's not get into the whole who's going to speak for the baby, when is a zygote a baby debate because it's going to go around in circles forever and never end. 

What I'm saying is that a woman shouldn't lose that right to make a choice. (Is it a choice I would make? Probably not so please don't get self righteous on me) I'm simply saying that while I see both sides of said debate the answer seems pretty simple. 

1. We the people have freedom of choice. 

2. There's a separation of church and state so what the bible says (if that's your thing) should not be relevant to making laws. 

The economy-- is always going to be an issue as long as jobs are an issue. If people don't work they don't spend money. Sure there are schemes to boost the economy but the best boost would be to stop sending jobs out of the country. (Easier said than done) 

I'm not an economist or anything like that. But, I know that the debt the country and its people are in is terrifying. There needs to be a real plan. Not just cut spending but cut salaries. Cut everything because let's be honest the government spends way too much. 

So, while I may singe my wings on the political flames while staring at the TV disgruntled I'm just as lost and disenchanted as most people when it comes to this election. Make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here... Or a Canadian goose so I can just move legally for a few years. 

I Don't Want To Grow Up..... Yes You Do

At a certain point in everyone's life we decide we have to ”grow” up. For whatever reason we have responsibilities that become so important to us. Of course we have to all be responsible but losing that child like glow to the cynical stupor of adulthood is devastating to see. Holding into youth and laughing (I mean really laughing) are the best ways to stay young. I'm not saying don't grow up and be immature your whole life. You have to be responsible but, find the humor in life. It isn't always roses but it isn't always coal either.

Remember being a kid and saying you never wanted to grow up? Of course that was toward the end of childhood when the weight of adulthood started weighing on us like a two ton brick. Before that it was always ”I can't wait to grow up so no one can tell me what to do”.  As children we are always pushing against our parents and anyone that wants to tell us what to do. We believe that being an adult means that no one will be the boss of us anymore. All of these phrases come to an abrupt halt when we realized we are going to grow up no matter how much we fight it and someone somewhere is always going to tell us what to do. Those are just the plain facts of life. Those facts are always told to us. We as children choose to remain blissfully ignorant to the fact that we won't be the boss, someone else will always call the shots. One day we are going to be that person telling our kids don't grow up too fast. Savor your childhood and youth. You're always going to have someone telling you what to do. I've become that person. Even though personally I feel so immature. It is odd feeling like a child in an adults body. But, that is the most accurate description of myself and many other people that I have met.

Being able to hold fast to the things that brought you happiness and joy is so important. No matter how much life throws at you and how busy you are there is always something. To not take the time to see those things and lose yourself is when being an adult seems so daunting. I remember when I was younger and thinking that my mom had no friends. She did but, life was life and priorities were not what they once were. Being a mom took over her life. In a big way now I am sorry that that happened. I have days where I feel like if I do not get a chance to go and be me without the interaction of children I am going to snap. I never want to lose myself or the things that make me tick. Whether it is the music, movies, books whatever. I hold those near and dear and make sure I keep them for me.

No matter how you slice it growing up and being a grown up are never easy. I just wish that there was some sort of owners manual for the mind.