- I have an opinion
- It matters
- Yes, I'm a woman but, I'm educated and I'm not less than the white male population
- My voice is the only one that is going to stick up for my children, for me and in some cases other people.
- I'm not going to be afraid anymore to be me. Even if now, it's one of the most terrifying times in this country.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
I get it. I do. People's opinions are different and they always will be. That's the beauty of living here, we are allowed to have these opinions, thoughts and feelings. But, when your thoughts or feelings degrade, segregate or repress another group of people can you not see the problem with this? How can you not see the dangers and fine lines we are starting to walk yet again?
The writing's on the wall and that writing is terrifying. The discontent and hate that's being bred reminds me of the fear and loathing that happened when AIDS first was diagnosed. (not to the same degree) However, people being chased from grocery stores all because of who they love and who THEY ARE, letters being left for kids telling them to go back to where they came from because of the color of their skin and little girls afraid to wear a hijab because of what may happen. These are all things that SHOULD never happen here in America. Really it should NEVER happen period but, in a country that preaches equality it should be one of the things that NEVER happens. Yet it does, with increasing frequency lately.
I'm not pointing fingers necessarily. I'm not going to say this is one person's fault because it's not. (although to lie and say that they have not perpetuated this would be a disservice) This is the culmination of many things. Closed minded individuals who chose not to educate themselves or instead live by the bible which is fine you do that but, there's this thing called separation of church and state. To me this seems fairly clear-- the church doesn't get involved in laws and the state doesn't get involved in church. Now I know what you're going to say-- the church believes in preservation of life, it believes that marriage is between a man and a woman. Abortion is not performed by the church which means it does not directly affect the church and at the same time even if same sex marriage is legal there is no law stating a church has to perform it. Keeping the laws out of the church. (you want to remain a tax exempt entity yet want your hands all over how the country is run) Doesn't seem like it's fair to have it both ways does it?
Back to my point, why if it doesn't directly affect you does it matter so much? What gives you the right to take someone else's rights away? To force your thoughts on another person/group of people? What makes you better? Entitled?
It's just some food for thought before you start talking in front of your kids and they start regurgitating your words. Just because someone supports the right to choose doesn't make them a 'baby killer' and quite frankly I find that offensive. There's no one that can ever convince me that while abortion may not be something I choose or would want my daughter to choose that I have the right to take that choice away from someone else. No thousand year old book by an unknown author, law maker sitting in an office in Washington DC, no one will convince me otherwise. Just like those same people will never convince me that they can pick who has a right to love who and how they choose to express it. If they want to get married let them. How does it actually impact you? Really in the grand scheme of things when you wake up in the morning does it have an impact on your day to day life? I highly highly doubt it. Kids... Your kids are spewing your hate and it's sad. I remember hoping when I was younger this world would be a lot more tolerant when I was an adult and all I've found is that it's simply not. Of course there are some people... A lot that are but, then there are those that are not. That are just as hateful as they were when I was growing up. When my childhood consisted of hating the fact that Ryan White's family had to live in fear because their poor son was dying and it wasn't his fault. Now, I am an adult and I have to hate the fact that people are back to hiding who they love, not celebrating their religion, worrying about their right to choose.
If anything November 8th simply proved that. It proved that this country is so many steps behind where it should be. I'm sad. Sad for us as a people more than anything. Mostly though I'm sad for teenagers. The 14-17 year olds that weren't old enough to vote that were counting on us not to let them down. The ones that hoped, maybe even prayed that we'd keep moving in the right direction because we didn't. We didn't and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that while you're waiting for your chance... Your chance to be heard you have to tolerate whatever happens. If the last week and a half is any indicator it's going to be rough but hang in there. You're not alone.
If you're suffering or scared because of all of this... You're not alone. There are people who know America was great before. Just hang in there. Educate yourselves, hold onto your beliefs and find your people because this too shall pass.
One day-- one day we'll make a difference. If my daughter, my son and me are any indicator things will be different one day.
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
For the majority of my life I've been dealing with depression on some level. It's been this ever evolving roadmap that if I were being completely honest with not only myself but the bevvy of medical professionals that seemed to DEEM it necessary to label me with some sort of diagnosis that never quite stuck. Medicate me with pills that never really did anything but make me feel worse. About five or six years ago I made the decision to stop taking medication altogether after it was made clear that nothing helped. Being made a shell of myself wasn't something that I liked or needed. I didn't want it.
Of course that also left me with the anxiety. Something that is so hard for someone who doesn't suffer from it to understand. It's hard for them to understand that there are times when I feel as though I'm being caged like some kind of animal. I can't breathe and god it's an awful feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself down and other times there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to sit back and let it happen because trying and failing to stop my anxiety attack is even worse than dealing with the anxiety alone.
I remember being a teenager and having a breakdown. Crying, screaming and just all in all breaking everything. It was shortly after my uncles died and to be honest I don't remember much about that time except for the turmoil. It was bad-- dark and honestly I really am not proud of the things that I did and the way that I handled myself through a lot of it. The two of them died nine hours apart in unrelated incidents. It threw our family into an uproar and while we were doing our best to cope and hold it together some failed miserably. Things were said and done that people maybe regretted and OTHERS maybe not. For the most part I have forgiven that part of life but, WHAT I will never understand is how someone can say such nasty things to a child. (because at the time that's what I was)
Life was never something that had been EASY for me. Don't get me wrong-- I've never been one that thinks that I've had it worse than anyone else. (because I haven't and I'm well aware of that) There are people who haven't been able to cope with the things that they've gone through HOWEVER, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't come out bruised, broken and a little damaged on the other side.
Losing my grandma-- (both of them) was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. After my uncles which was the first taste of death that I had. BUT-- to say that it was the worst would be a lie. I was close to both of my grandmothers. Unbelievably close to one and seeing her fade away was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.
Another thing that makes life difficult is my inability to talk to people. (it's a defense mechanism more than anything) Although the truth is that I've always been a private person. I don't like talking about myself or opening up. Nothing that could in any way make me appear weak. It's just something that I've always had a hard time with. I hide behind a lot of things-- walls, humor and sarcasm. I've gotten good and getting people to think I'm one person when really I'm someone else.
I think that when I REALLY started to question things about myself-- my sexuality was the big one I realized that each time I slowly started to become more and more comfortable with myself things started to actually go downhill. WHY? Simple because the more comfortable I was the more the realization hit me-- acceptance wasn't something that was going to be there from my family. (they would never understand how I could NOT want a relationship) OR how a relationship to me is something that's not physical in nature.
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
I’ve spent the better part of the last fifteen years of my life trying to figure out how to label me. It’s not something I take lightly. I’ve shied away from it for a long time, too afraid of putting myself into a box in some sort of category. Especially when I was never certain that I could adequately describe what I felt. (Feeling a lot of nothing makes labels hard to come by) Not to mention the fear of ‘what are they going to say or do?’ Sometimes it’s not as easy as people think to just tell your loved ones that 'normalcy’ or what they consider it isn’t your normal.
For the first almost 13 years I threw around everything. But, nothing felt right. Nothing was exactly the way it should be. The things that should sit the right way and make you feel whole, warm, fuzzy and accepted just weren’t there. (I dealt with feeling very empty and lonely. On some levels I still do)
It wasn’t until the last two years I really realized that while yes I can appreciate the appeal of another person. (Believe me I look at a few people and know what other people find attractive about them) however, that’s where it ends. My interest in most lies in the 'wow I bet they’re interesting to talk too’ or something like that. Feelings for me rarely extend beyond that. There are those rare occasions when I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my depression and I think 'man it would be great to have someone to cuddle with right about now’ but, on a normal day even that seems like too much for me.
Coming to terms with this has caused me pain and I’ve hurt a few people along the way but in the end I think that I did what was best for me. To this day I still have a hard time talking to my family about everything. Truthfully I don’t really do it because I’d rather not deal with the fallout from it all. A part of me still has a hard time coming out and saying “Hey I’m ace and that’s just the way it is.” There’s this fear of rejection, misunderstanding and judging that I don’t know that I can deal with after such a long and difficult personal trip. (Truthfully this is such a deep seated fear it’s hard to explain)
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Remember being a kid and saying you never wanted to grow up? Of course that was toward the end of childhood when the weight of adulthood started weighing on us like a two ton brick. Before that it was always ”I can't wait to grow up so no one can tell me what to do”. As children we are always pushing against our parents and anyone that wants to tell us what to do. We believe that being an adult means that no one will be the boss of us anymore. All of these phrases come to an abrupt halt when we realized we are going to grow up no matter how much we fight it and someone somewhere is always going to tell us what to do. Those are just the plain facts of life. Those facts are always told to us. We as children choose to remain blissfully ignorant to the fact that we won't be the boss, someone else will always call the shots. One day we are going to be that person telling our kids don't grow up too fast. Savor your childhood and youth. You're always going to have someone telling you what to do. I've become that person. Even though personally I feel so immature. It is odd feeling like a child in an adults body. But, that is the most accurate description of myself and many other people that I have met.
Being able to hold fast to the things that brought you happiness and joy is so important. No matter how much life throws at you and how busy you are there is always something. To not take the time to see those things and lose yourself is when being an adult seems so daunting. I remember when I was younger and thinking that my mom had no friends. She did but, life was life and priorities were not what they once were. Being a mom took over her life. In a big way now I am sorry that that happened. I have days where I feel like if I do not get a chance to go and be me without the interaction of children I am going to snap. I never want to lose myself or the things that make me tick. Whether it is the music, movies, books whatever. I hold those near and dear and make sure I keep them for me.
No matter how you slice it growing up and being a grown up are never easy. I just wish that there was some sort of owners manual for the mind.