This Ain't Love or Other Drugs

                    



                      For the majority of my life I've been dealing with depression on some level. It's been this ever evolving roadmap that if I were being completely honest with not only myself but the bevvy of medical professionals that seemed to DEEM it necessary to label me with some sort of diagnosis that never quite stuck. Medicate me with pills that never really did anything but make me feel worse. About five or six years ago I made the decision to stop taking medication altogether after it was made clear that nothing helped. Being made a shell of myself wasn't something that I liked or needed. I didn't want it. 

                       Of course that also left me with the anxiety. Something that is so hard for someone who doesn't suffer from it to understand. It's hard for them to understand that there are times when I feel as though I'm being caged like some kind of animal. I can't breathe and god it's an awful feeling. Sometimes I can talk myself down and other times there's nothing I can do to stop it. I just have to sit back and let it happen because trying and failing to stop my anxiety attack is even worse than dealing with the anxiety alone.

                        I remember being a teenager and having a breakdown. Crying, screaming and just all in all breaking everything. It was shortly after my uncles died and to be honest I don't remember much about that time except for the turmoil. It was bad-- dark and honestly I really am not proud of the things that I did and the way that I handled myself through a lot of it. The two of them died nine hours apart in unrelated incidents. It threw our family into an uproar and while we were doing our best to cope and hold it together some failed miserably. Things were said and done that people maybe regretted and OTHERS maybe not. For the most part I have forgiven that part of life but, WHAT I will never understand is how someone can say such nasty things to a child. (because at the time that's what I was) 

                       Life was never something that had been EASY for me. Don't get me wrong-- I've never been one that thinks that I've had it worse than anyone else. (because I haven't and I'm well aware of that) There are people who haven't been able to cope with the things that they've gone through HOWEVER, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't come out bruised, broken and a little damaged on the other side. 

                       Losing my grandma-- (both of them) was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to go through. After my uncles which was the first taste of death that I had. BUT-- to say that it was the worst would be a lie. I was close to both of my grandmothers. Unbelievably close to one and seeing her fade away was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. 

                       Another thing that makes life difficult is my inability to talk to people. (it's a defense mechanism more than anything) Although the truth is that I've always been a private person. I don't like talking about myself or opening up. Nothing that could in any way make me appear weak. It's just something that I've always had a hard time with. I hide behind a lot of things-- walls, humor and sarcasm. I've gotten good and getting people to think I'm one person when really I'm someone else. 

                        I think that when I REALLY started to question things about myself-- my sexuality was the big one I realized that each time I slowly started to become more and more comfortable with myself things started to actually go downhill. WHY? Simple because the more comfortable I was the more the realization hit me-- acceptance wasn't something that was going to be there from my family. (they would never understand how I could NOT want a relationship) OR how a relationship to me is something that's not physical in nature. 

Coming Out... Coming Clean

_{I’ve spent the better part of the last fifteen years of my life trying to figure out how to label me. It’s not something I take lightly. I’ve shied away from it for a long time, too afraid of putting myself into a box in some sort of category. Especially when I was never certain that I could adequately describe what I felt. (Feeling a lot of nothing makes labels hard to come by) Not to mention the fear of ‘what are they going to say or do?’ Sometimes it’s not as easy as people think to just tell your loved ones that 'normalcy’ or what they consider it isn’t your normal.} 

_{For the first almost 13 years I threw around everything. But, nothing felt right. Nothing was exactly the way it should be. The things that should sit the right way and make you feel whole, warm, fuzzy and accepted just weren’t there. (I dealt with feeling very empty and lonely. On some levels I still do)}

_{It wasn’t until the last two years I really realized that while yes I can appreciate the appeal of another person. (Believe me I look at a few people and know what other people find attractive about them) however, that’s where it ends. My interest in most lies in the 'wow I bet they’re interesting to talk too’ or something like that. Feelings for me rarely extend beyond that. There are those rare occasions when I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my depression and I think 'man it would be great to have someone to cuddle with right about now’ but, on a normal day even that seems like too much for me.} 

_{Coming to terms with this has caused me pain and I’ve hurt a few people along the way but in the end I think that I did what was best for me. To this day I still have a hard time talking to my family about everything. Truthfully I don’t really do it because I’d rather not deal with the fallout from it all. A part of me still has a hard time coming out and saying “Hey I’m ace and that’s just the way it is.” There’s this fear of rejection, misunderstanding and judging that I don’t know that I can deal with after such a long and difficult personal trip. (Truthfully this is such a deep seated fear it’s hard to explain)}

Politics-- Like a Moth to a Flame

Politics make my skin crawl. Yet there is something about it that draws me in like a moth to a flame. I've never quite been able to explain this phenomenon and to be honest probably never will. 

It's not that I avoid the issues. I form opinions, educate myself and can speak rather fluently on quite a few topics of the mood strikes. HOWEVER, it's rare the mood strikes these days. 

We've got presidential candidates that make our entire political and legal system a joke. I've never seen debates turn into schoolyard bully showdowns the way they have over the past few months. (It's sad and terribly unnerving to watch) I'm expecting to wake up and find out this was like the world's longest April Fool's joke or something close to that. 

Now, before I get into anything I need to make something very clear... My support does NOT lie with either of these candidates. If anything their campaigns have done nothing but prove how inept both of them would be. 

A President is someone we should be able to count on. They should be able to say the correct thing when a global tragedy happens. Mr. Trump you have proven on more than one occasion your mouth opens and what comes out is mostly cringe worthy. Ms. Clinton you have proven that when you speak the words that come out of your mouth are questionable at best. (Both horrible qualities for someone speaking for a nation)

Neither candidate is trustworthy and I'm sorry but, I remember voting for Barack and maybe I didn't agree with all of his politics but, I did think that he at least was looking out for us as a people. (Many may disagree with that but walking away from Bush he was a breath of fresh air)

I hear the usual debates come up. Some things never change. Abortion, the economy, jobs-- all issues. Touchy issues that I wonder why they're truly big ticket issues. 

Abortion-- everyone has an opinion that they feel is right. For them that opinion is right BUT just because you would never or have never had an abortion or been in a situation where you had to choose DOES NOT mean that you should take that right away from someone else. 

Let's not get into the whole who's going to speak for the baby, when is a zygote a baby debate because it's going to go around in circles forever and never end. 

What I'm saying is that a woman shouldn't lose that right to make a choice. (Is it a choice I would make? Probably not so please don't get self righteous on me) I'm simply saying that while I see both sides of said debate the answer seems pretty simple. 

1. We the people have freedom of choice. 

2. There's a separation of church and state so what the bible says (if that's your thing) should not be relevant to making laws. 

The economy-- is always going to be an issue as long as jobs are an issue. If people don't work they don't spend money. Sure there are schemes to boost the economy but the best boost would be to stop sending jobs out of the country. (Easier said than done) 

I'm not an economist or anything like that. But, I know that the debt the country and its people are in is terrifying. There needs to be a real plan. Not just cut spending but cut salaries. Cut everything because let's be honest the government spends way too much. 

So, while I may singe my wings on the political flames while staring at the TV disgruntled I'm just as lost and disenchanted as most people when it comes to this election. Make me a bird so I can fly far far away from here... Or a Canadian goose so I can just move legally for a few years. 

I Don't Want To Grow Up..... Yes You Do

At a certain point in everyone's life we decide we have to ”grow” up. For whatever reason we have responsibilities that become so important to us. Of course we have to all be responsible but losing that child like glow to the cynical stupor of adulthood is devastating to see. Holding into youth and laughing (I mean really laughing) are the best ways to stay young. I'm not saying don't grow up and be immature your whole life. You have to be responsible but, find the humor in life. It isn't always roses but it isn't always coal either.

Remember being a kid and saying you never wanted to grow up? Of course that was toward the end of childhood when the weight of adulthood started weighing on us like a two ton brick. Before that it was always ”I can't wait to grow up so no one can tell me what to do”.  As children we are always pushing against our parents and anyone that wants to tell us what to do. We believe that being an adult means that no one will be the boss of us anymore. All of these phrases come to an abrupt halt when we realized we are going to grow up no matter how much we fight it and someone somewhere is always going to tell us what to do. Those are just the plain facts of life. Those facts are always told to us. We as children choose to remain blissfully ignorant to the fact that we won't be the boss, someone else will always call the shots. One day we are going to be that person telling our kids don't grow up too fast. Savor your childhood and youth. You're always going to have someone telling you what to do. I've become that person. Even though personally I feel so immature. It is odd feeling like a child in an adults body. But, that is the most accurate description of myself and many other people that I have met.

Being able to hold fast to the things that brought you happiness and joy is so important. No matter how much life throws at you and how busy you are there is always something. To not take the time to see those things and lose yourself is when being an adult seems so daunting. I remember when I was younger and thinking that my mom had no friends. She did but, life was life and priorities were not what they once were. Being a mom took over her life. In a big way now I am sorry that that happened. I have days where I feel like if I do not get a chance to go and be me without the interaction of children I am going to snap. I never want to lose myself or the things that make me tick. Whether it is the music, movies, books whatever. I hold those near and dear and make sure I keep them for me.

No matter how you slice it growing up and being a grown up are never easy. I just wish that there was some sort of owners manual for the mind.

Quotations a beginning

I decided that I wanted to do a compilation of quotes from different people, different places, and on different things. Just a little something so that when you don't quite know the words you want to use to describe your happiness you can find them. Something to help convey your sorrow, happiness, and love. My only hope is that you find something here that will mean something to you. 

Topic: Age

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. ~Robert Frost

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. ~Better Midler

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty. Anyone who keeps learning stays young. The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young. ~Henry Ford

Every man over forty is a scoundrel. ~George Bernard Shaw

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

I think your whole life shows in your face and you should be proud of that.  ~Lauren Bacall

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm. ~Henry David Thoreau

Beauty

Beauty and folly are old companions. ~Benjamin Franklin

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword. ~John Ray

I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be.  ~Bob Dylan

I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains. ~Anne Frank

In youth and beauty, wisdom is but rare! ~Homer

My mother always called me an ugly weed, so I never was aware of anything until I was older. Plain girls should have someone telling them they are beautiful. Sometimes this works miracles. ~Hedy Lamarr

There is a kind of beauty in imperfection.  ~Conrad Hall

Change

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves. ~Carl Jung

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.  ~ Maya Angelou

The world hates change, yet it is the only thing that has brought progress.  ~Charles Kettering

Our Country The Teenager

I've realized something recently that has left me slightly disturbed. Even though I really am not a political fan I am driven more by politics than most anything else. Nothing gets my engine going more than some of the things that people say or do in regards to politics. I don't want to be a politician. There wasn't even a hint of a lie when note was made that I'd last not even five minutes. I can't do it. Never have I been noted as the one that can keep her mouth shut and just smile and act like it's all okay. Politicians are the scape goat of many and the hero to few. When I was a kid I used to want to be the first female president. I lost interest in that when Clinton ran and told everyone he didn't inhale. Be that as it may I knew right then and there I was disqualified. Do I consider that a disqualifying attribute? No not in a million years. Many, if not all of or presidents have been perpetual over achievers. This leaves them unable to handle criticism and failure well. I'm not saying let just anyone be president. What I'm saying is pick someone that knows right off the bat, you don't always get what you want. Whether it's Congress or parents someone is always going to be there to shut us down. I think having to work harder than most only gives you the resolve to make something happen. It doesn't have to be exactly the way you want it but if something happens that's better than remaining stagnent. How can a country or it's citizens move forward without the help of our ”leader”. I use this term lightly.  Not meaning lead the sheep to pasture leader. I mean the person that is supposed to be the pillar of the proverbial community.
The issue we have with other countries and their different classes is that they look at America like the jock. Big, loud and dumb. First and foremost,.every country has their jocks. This country being no different. All jocks are not dumb some are not even loud but when you look up the stereotypical jock that is what we appear to be. Just like every other country we have our scholars, our leaders, the pillars, the artists, we have it all. Even though the jocks are at times the loudest doesn't mean that they represent the people as a whole. There is one thing that we have and that's compassion. Empathy is something we hand out to those who need it and we hand it out in abundance. I think sometimes we are too empathetic. We are the first to jump to the aide of others. This is a good quality but I do not think that many countries would be willing to help us out in a time of need.
This could be because as the new country on the block we are going through our teenage years right now. Many other countries are far older than ours and went through their teenage years long ago. There are still some countries that are younger and still going through their infancy and leaning on the beliefs of its parents. I know that this sounds like a crazy comparison but really it isn't.
How is it that politicians can be so blinded to the fact that they are not helping this situation? As a whole the United States is very lucky in the fact that we can vote. I have said it before and I will say it a million times... if you do not take the time to vote your forfeit your right to an opinion on the operations of the country. You could not take the time out of  your busy schedule... I am just repeating myself again.
Getting back to the original point. With a presidency that consists of mainly over achievers that have never had the luxury of being told no when this happens they end up throwing a temper tantrum. I understand that you think that your way is the best way. Don't we all. What is hard for so many to swallow is the lack of compromise that many have. It can not simply be either the way you want it or not at all. If that were the case we would have been stuck long ago in a holding pattern that would not have allowed for much advancement.
Compromise is important for everything even better the teenager and the parents, or peers. You have to give to get and when you don't want to do that nothing gets figured out.

Forgive Me

There are so many wishy washy people these days. It's rather disheartening. Everyone has a right to change opinions. I think at some point in our life we all have had a change of heart for one reason or another. What makes me sad is that people give up so easily on others. Someone that they would have given their last dollar yesterday is not even worth a penny today. We've all made mistakes, have regrets, done some pretty despicable things to others. I have anyways, but as humans we all have a chance to redeem ourselves to come back from that pit of despair and make it better. At least we have the ability to try and make amends. Everyone should have that opportunity to ”make it up” to others. I'm sitting here now with this anxious feeling in my chest not because of me particularly but because so many people are given up on. Tossed aside by society, their family, friends, or any number of people. Labeled as no good, worthless, stupid, and useless. No one is any of those things. You are something to someone. Even if it's someone you haven't met yet. It may be someone you won't know for years but, you can never stop believing in yourself. When you no longer give yourself that one last shot at redemption or forgiveness you've truly lost.
Lack of forgiveness seems to be the one last conviction people hold on to. I would give anything to go back and just make sure some people I know knew I still cared. I didn't give up on you. I still considered you a friend even though it had been years. I kick myself, miss you, regret not having one last conversation, and I've sworn since then I would never let that happen again. It would be nice to think that people still haven't given up on me. I'm temperamental, moody, I can be angry, and bitchy. But, I love people and care about them more than what most would ever know. I let people know where they stand. If you've found a place in my heart you have it forever. Even if we lose contact and move away from talking. Times will come when you'll cross my mind, I'll wonder how you are, and hope you're okay. 
For every wrong that has ever occurred between others and myself, it's been let go of. Sure some people are not those I care to know anymore but, that's the past. There is no grudge.
Trying to understand people is one of the most difficult things that anyone can do. Some are not meant to be understood completely. People are mostly an enigma that is left to the imagination of each person. No matter how open and honest we are as people no one is a complete open book. Everyone has that one thing... that one thing that just thinking about makes them cringe and talking about it seems completely unbearable. Personally I have about five or six different things that I can think of off of the top of my head that I refuse to talk about. Mainly because it is just too difficult. Being overly emotional is not something that I look highly upon and yet I am that person. I can be hurt, scared, made to feel like less than a person, and most of the time it is not done on purpose. I am just sensitive.
In the end though I just wish that people would stick up for what they believe instead of being persuaded by others. You have that right and if someone is upset that you feel the way you do then just remember they have that right.